I have yet to come to grips with leaving Leipzig.

Although my brain knows I’ve only paid rent until July, that the semester at University is over and the stay in London is like a stepping-stone to a flight back to New York, my stubborn little heart refuses to acknowledge it. My heart still believes I’ll be headed back to my familiar, cozy, tidy little room in Connewitz after a reckless jaunt in England, that all of my friends will once again be surrounding me and filling my life with joy and that Leipzig, the city I’ve come to love, will be right outside my door (just as it should be;) not to mention Berlin and the rest of Europe. It’s just utterly outside the scope of possibility that my reality could have been altered so much in a single day.

I’m honestly not sure I’ve made the right decision in leaving Leipzig this early in exchange for a week in London. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Kate and I can’t wait to see her and spend time with her in one of my favorite cities in the world, but still a nagging doubt is tugging at me, telling me I should instead have been spending these last days in Leipzig. I could be lazing on the beach with Rosy and Natasha, dancing in the Ilses with Elli or eating lunch together at the Uni, biking to hidden party spots late at night with the whole gang, lying in the park on a Sunday afternoon with Miriam, stopping by Magdeburg to hug my Schwesterlein and Mutti, just making the most out of every last second I possibly could… however, it’s simply too late now. I’m on a plane, after a bit of a hassle at the border solved with a grin and an “I didn’t know any better!” type of look, flying over mainland Europe, on my way to foggy London town, and there’s no turning back now.

Schwesterlein

Es fühle mich kein Zufall, dass genauso wenn ich mein Schwesterlein am Hauptbahnhof verlassen, kommt 'ne starkes Gewitter. Genauso wie ich in mein Herz gefühlt.
Heute sagte ich die erste von viele anstrengende „Aufwiedersehens," dass ich sage müssen. Ich hatte an mein Schwesterchen Annika „Tchusschen" sagen.
Die ist der Grund ich in Deutschland bin. Wegen die lerne ich deutsch. Wegen die liebe ich Deutschland.
Hier ist es wie eine kleine Familie, hier ist es wie mein echtes Leben.
Ich fühle ein schweres Gewicht an meinem Brust jetzt. Es fühlt wirklich wie etwas schwer an mein Schlüsselbein sitzen. Es tut mir weh.
Kein Tranen kam. Ich weiß nicht warum, aber es gibt ehrlich keine. Vielleicht ist es wie sie gesagt hatte; „Ich bin nicht außer dem Welt." Naja, stimmt. Aber trotzdem tut es weh.

It doesn't feel like a coincidence that just as I left my little sister at the train station, a strong storm came. Exactly how I felt in my heart.
Today I said the first of many difficult "goodbyes" that I must say. I had to say "bye bye" to my little sister Annika.
She's the reason I'm in Germany. Because of her I'm learning German. Because of her I love Germany.
It's like a little family here... it's like my real life here.
Now I feel a heavy weight on my chest. It really feels like something heavy is sitting on my collarbone. It hurts.
No tears came. I don't know why, but there really were none. Maybe it's like she said; "I'm not gone from the world." Well yeah, true. But it hurts anyway.

anxiety.

The fact that I’m leaving Leipzig in two weeks definitely hit me hard this morning while riding the tram to the school where I’m student teaching. As much as I’ve been trying to deny that fact, to ignore and avoid the inevitable, it’s happening soon and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m about to leave the place I’ve happily called home for the past 11 months, for good, with the possibility of never, ever coming back. While the likelihood of never, ever coming back (at least to Germany) is low, the possibility is there. Not to mention what this means for my life- I go home and graduate from college, which means no more casually jaunting about Europe, unattached, unencumbered, living only for my whims, without really giving a second thought to the future beyond what I’ll be doing at the weekend.

For the first time, I felt A REAL CRY coming on; not just the prickly feeling in my tear ducts, or that pesky lump in my throat; no, a real honest and true cry. Being that I’m sat on public transportation, surrounded by pre-teens on their way to school, I choked it back. However, at that moment I knew a virtual flood was coming. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. As much as I’m looking forward to seeing my family and friends in Buffalo, Leipzig has become my home, and the people here are as important to me as those there. Not to mention having to leave my sister-from-a-German-mister, Annika, in Magdeburg. That’s a whole other sob story.

Not only am I sinking into depression because of my imminent leaving date, and I hate to sound whiny in my last days here, but it’s felt as though I’ve been living in a strange, German speaking city in England for the past two weeks… by which I mean I haven’t seen the sun in a fortnight. We’ve been besieged by near constant drizzle, if not full on rain. The dreary days certainly don’t contribute to a cheerful mood. If the sun was out and the temperatures were high, as I’ve been used to in Germany up until this point, at least I could be happily lounging on the beach, which always helps to erase unpleasantness from my mind. Instead I’m stuck lying about in my bedroom watching internet TV (which isn’t quite so bad since I’ve found a friend to share that with,) or biking places in the rain and exacerbating my wretched summer cold.

The other thing that’s making my last days here slightly less enjoyable is that University marches on. I thought for sure I’d be done by now, maybe with the relaxed expectation that I attend my classes once in a while or something, but no; I have 3 presentations and a 10 page paper due and my attendance is expected at every class up until practically the day I leave. So I can look forward to a stressful two weeks before my impending departure. Why the hell didn’t I push my leaving date back to August? I don’t want to go so soon. While spending a week in England is sure to be glorious, I still would rather have another week in Germany. I’m not even sure I can afford a week in London, especially if I want to spend a couple of days in New York before returning to Buffalo. I have to be really vigilant about spending here in Germany these last two weeks.

There’s so much to think about in a practical sense as well; I have to figure out a way to get my luggage to England (it’s going to be far to heavy to send on Ryan Air) which means mailing it to Kate’s, not to mention the packing itself which will of course be a bear, and then there’re train/Mitfahgelegenheit arrangements to Berlin to make, and UGH, it’s just too damn much! 

superquick update part 2

-my NEW DX3000 camera already arrived in the states! now my mom has to send it to me here in germany but hopefully i'll have a DSLR again soon!


-sarah and i are probably NOT going to amsterdam =(

- hurricane festival is in PRECISELY one week!

-i started working on my referat! Leipziger Jungendliche in DDR Fotografie.

time to get sad.

i try to be bright and sunny all the time. cheerful and optimistic. loving and giving.

but right now, just RIGHT NOW, i feel like i could really use a cry.

don't know when the last time was i had a cry. i don't do it often. but it just might happen tonight.

this feeling is stemming from something embarrassing, something i'm not going to write about here because it's silly and in the long-run will prove to be meaningless.

however, out of the angry, frustrated feeling about that silly thing come more frustrated, angrier feelings about myself and my life and the use of my time.

the internet is a big place, and lots of information can be found here. including job postings. job posting that are inevitably frustrating and sad. there were something like 6 postings for art teachers in new york city. six. 1.2.3.4.5.6. there are over 8 million people living in new york city. and there are 6 jobs posted for art teachers.

a quick, superficial search for 'teaching english in germany' was similarly discouraging, but mostly in that it yielded results for teaching english to adults. i'm not interested in that in the slightest.

also, i looked for apartments in buffalo for when i get back in august. i know that's a bit of a ways off for apartment searching, but still the pickings on craigslist were slim which just served to make me feel more frustrated and disappointed. not to mention that i won't have any way to actually afford an apartment, should i actually find one that's suitable.

then of course there's my angry frustrated feeling of NOT KNOWING A DAMN THING. i have been studying art history for years, i love to read, i've learned a second language pretty well, but none of that makes me feel prepared to actually LIVE A PRODUCTIVE LIFE. i don't feel like i have anything to offer society. and that's a bleak and empty feeling.

sorry for the bummed out post, hopefully i'll be back to my regular happy old self soon but as of now...
it's just sadsville.

16.11.10

Right now there are seven mugs, three glasses, two plates and four empty bottles in my bedroom.
I'm even not sure what I'm doing here.
Running away, I guess.
Very early this morning I had a horrifying nightmare.
Most of yesterday I felt ashamed of myself. Of my lack of accomplishment. Many people at twenty have achieved more than I could dream of at nearly thirty.
I don't like to let myself give in to this. I try to remain positive.
Giving in to these feelings of inadequacy causes nightmares.
Although really what caused the nightmare was sleeping on too many pillows. It was a mental manifestation of physical pain.
I dreamt I was choked with a necklace I own.
I almost wore that necklace today, just to show it who's boss.
But I didn't.