time to get sad.

i try to be bright and sunny all the time. cheerful and optimistic. loving and giving.

but right now, just RIGHT NOW, i feel like i could really use a cry.

don't know when the last time was i had a cry. i don't do it often. but it just might happen tonight.

this feeling is stemming from something embarrassing, something i'm not going to write about here because it's silly and in the long-run will prove to be meaningless.

however, out of the angry, frustrated feeling about that silly thing come more frustrated, angrier feelings about myself and my life and the use of my time.

the internet is a big place, and lots of information can be found here. including job postings. job posting that are inevitably frustrating and sad. there were something like 6 postings for art teachers in new york city. six. 1.2.3.4.5.6. there are over 8 million people living in new york city. and there are 6 jobs posted for art teachers.

a quick, superficial search for 'teaching english in germany' was similarly discouraging, but mostly in that it yielded results for teaching english to adults. i'm not interested in that in the slightest.

also, i looked for apartments in buffalo for when i get back in august. i know that's a bit of a ways off for apartment searching, but still the pickings on craigslist were slim which just served to make me feel more frustrated and disappointed. not to mention that i won't have any way to actually afford an apartment, should i actually find one that's suitable.

then of course there's my angry frustrated feeling of NOT KNOWING A DAMN THING. i have been studying art history for years, i love to read, i've learned a second language pretty well, but none of that makes me feel prepared to actually LIVE A PRODUCTIVE LIFE. i don't feel like i have anything to offer society. and that's a bleak and empty feeling.

sorry for the bummed out post, hopefully i'll be back to my regular happy old self soon but as of now...
it's just sadsville.